Many of my fellow sailors washed out of the training alongside me and ended up in Pensacola, where the outing took place that fateful day. It's where I came out, and I learned to live an open life and grow as a gay man. The state is where my life changed forever. I ended up getting injured and washing out of training, at which point I was given a new job in the military and moved to Florida. This prolonged my life in the closet and I could not be seen as gay to the rest of my class. I distinctly remember one day when an instructor said, "Oh look at those faggots," and then turned to us saying, "Wait, it's OK to be gay, YOU just can't be gay." There, instructors and fellow trainees constantly threw homophobic slurs around. I enlisted in 2014 to serve a purpose greater than myself. I originally enlisted into the most hyper-masculine program possible, the Naval Special Warfare Program.
The hardest people to come out to were my fellow military members. Reading coming out stories like the one I am writing - and how people were greeted with love and open arms - was what kept me going. It was really tough at first, leading me to very dark places mentally.
I built a wall and never let anyone through. My struggle came with growing up in the closet and learning to love myself. She had asked me many times growing up if I was gay, but being afraid of who I was, I never could admit it. I'm gay." She immediately called, telling me how much she loved me. She was at work, so I sent her a text: "Mom, I have something to tell you. One of them even Face-timed me, and saw me in tears, right next to the guy I was dating at the time. They responded with nothing but love and affection. I lived in Florida at the time, and my two best friends - both girls - were at college in different parts of the country and my family was in California. My hands were shaking and voice was cracking.
The day I first came out to anyone in February 2014 was the most emotional experience of my life. It meant that you were a pathetic, weak, purse-toting excuse for man. I grew up thinking that being gay was wrong - that being gay meant you fit a stereotype. After a year in Spain I returned to Southern California where I played water polo for another year at Palomar College. When I was 18 I moved halfway around the world to Madrid, Spain, to attend college and play water polo at an elite level. My life got interesting after high school. I started playing water polo in 7th grade, eventually playing at Great Oak High School in Temecula. I grew up in a medium-size conservative town in Southern California. I have lived in two countries, four states and on both coasts of the U.S. If you're wondering why a Sailor is writing a story for Outsports it's because I have been a water polo player in high school and college and still play competitively. I use comments like that to fuel my fire to succeed in everything that I do. This past spring, in combat training before my deployment to Afghanistan, someone found out I was gay, walked up to me and said, "I'm glad I'm not deploying with you, I wouldn't trust a fag with my life." This despite the fact I was one of the better marksmen and performers in my class. That's not to say everyone in the military is supportive. Pensacola will always hold a place in my heart for changing me in the way it did.Īfter I came over that final hurdle, I began to live openly, and my life as a gay man flourished. While I did lose a few friends, the ones closest to me became even closer, because I no longer had to lie about who I was and for the first time they knew what was really going on in my life. The reactions started coming in and, to my relief and surprise, they were overwhelmingly positive. I was alone at the time and in tears, and I decided to come clean - yes, I'm gay, I told them. I realized my biggest fear had come to fruition.
One of my friends had been going through my Instagram photos and found one of me with another guy on the back of my motorcycle. My heart pounding, I pulled over to the side of the road. "Curnick, are you gay? Don't lie to us," said another. It was the phone in my pocket, buzzing with Instagram messages. I suddenly felt a lot of vibrations and it wasn't a bumpy road. I was on a high, riding my motorcycle back to base after spending the night with a guy I seeing. In April 2015, I was heading back to my quarters at the naval base in Pensacola, Fla.